A Silent Tear - Ammal Mathew

This is a poem that Ammalkochamma wrote when Appachan passed away...

A SILENT TEAR

I shed a silent tear
For my dear Achayan
He was a great man,
Loved by many

Many thoughts flood the mind
As his body lies cold,
Beautiful memories too
To be treasured for ever

My heart feels heavy,
At the thought of not being there
To kiss him good bye
With others who are lucky

He is watching from heaven above
As I whisper this small prayer,
And shed a silent tear
"May you rest in peace dear, dear father"

You have completed your race
With full faith and trust
Great you actually were, bright you will be
Like a new star in the sky

A short note on my parents - Shanta Jacob

Ammachi was particular that all her seven children should get good education. She knew each one's capability and talent. Accordingly she took care of each of the childrens' studies and encouraged them to choose subjects suited to them. When any of us had problems, instead of apportioning blame, she would look for solutions and that helped us all in one crucial moment or the other. Achayan, inspite of their difference in nature, used to support Ammachi in this regard. We realised later that they had deep respect and affection for each other like in any good marriage. Ammachi was always courageous and faced adversity with prayer and determination. I am thankful to Achayan and Ammachi for supporting us and sustaining us whenever we needed such support.

Two snippets - Vinu Jacob Mathew

Following are two incidents which highlight the personalities and prejudices of Achayan and Ammachi. The characters of Achayan and Ammachi were quite different in several respects. Achayan was outgoing and gregarious. Ammachi, though friendly, was to a great extent reserved.

Achayan was very particular that no guest should leave the house without atleast a cup of tea. Once, when Achayan was out of station, his friend from Munnar, Mr. A. Mathai, visited us. Ammachi offered him tea but he refused politely. Achayan on returning home was sorry that Mr. Mathai had left without drinking tea. He asked several times why she had not persuaded Mr. Mathai. Exasperated, Ammachi finally retorted that she had tried her level best and the only alternative left was to keep Mr. Mathai forcefully prostrate and spoonfeed him.

Another incident I remember was when I was studying in 5th or 6th standard. At that time TV was unheard of. I had no chance to go to the cinema theatre. Yet I was fascinated by the cinema world and eagerly lapped up cinema news in periodicals and newspapers. However Ammachi had a low opinion of cinema artistes.One day I expressed my desire of becoming an actor. Her instant reply was " It is preferrable to be a beggar than an actor".

Memoirs - By Biju Mathew

I am not of the Chirayil family. Does that make me qualified to write about one of the most illustrious couples of the family? Yes, it does. As their eldest grandson, I lived with them for almost the same number of years that any of their children did. My Appa’s sudden demise and Mummy’s job at Chengannur, resulted in my having to stay with Appachen and Ammachi, and they took over the job of being both my grandparents and my parents at the same time.

My life with Appachen and Ammachi started at a time when Appachen had retired from his job as the Headmaster of a school and both he and Ammachi had started feeling the difficulties of old age. Looking at other retired people I have come across in life, I would roughly place them at the top of a continuum with those whose retirement ends only with complete immobility due to old age rather than with those who await imminent death with despair in every moment of their life.

Appachen was one of those who never really retired. He was always busy. Teaching was his passion and one of his first ventures after his retirement was to start a college which conducted private tuitions for weak students. This (ad)venture failed dismally and proved that Appachen was a very bad businessman. It also threw light on his true character of a big hearted person. He was one of those people who would never become a millionaire. His big heartedness is even today subject to back dated criticism. There were many who fooled him but I am sure there are many more who benefited from his timely generosity. In spite of all the digs made at his big heartedness, his children do display the same generosity, though they may try to hide that fact.

Appachen’s large heart was matched by his physique. Old age ailments were not a deterrent to hearty meals. Meals had to be on time and had to be large. Breakfast was Puttu. Lunch had to have Fish curry or Beef included. Sambar and Cabbage Thoran were also regular dishes. Rice was mixed with Sambar. He would roll the mix into small balls with his hands and they would be rapidly consumed. Dinner was not very different from lunch.

Appachen started his day with a glass of hot coffee followed by ablutions. I was fascinated by his daily shave. He was very particular about using the Godrej brand of shaving soap, a round cake of soap in a small plastic container. It had no distinctive perfume, very unlike the latter day gels or foams. He used an old fashioned safety razor. I would very often venture to touch and feel the fluffy lather.

No sooner was breakfast over that he would be away till lunch time. His attire would be a starched mundu and half sleeved shirt (both white in colour), a rolled up umbrella and a leather pouch. I have never seen him dressed otherwise when going out, though some of the photographs back from his early teaching days, show him dressed in trousers.

Lunch was followed by a short nap. He would be lost to this world for this period. However, his snores were unique. During my early childhood, I would make myself comfortable in the nook of his arm, listen to his snores and somehow feel that all’s well with the world.

His second set of visits to the neighbourhood would start after tea. This time he would be careful to carry his Geep torch since his return would be just after dusk and the by lanes would be dark and lonely. His return would be announced by the sound of the front gate latch opening. His heavy tread would be accompanied by the moving beam of the Geep torch.

Appachen was a fun loving person and an entertainer too. I still remember his renditions of the songs from the days he was in charge of the local Boy Scouts troop. The local church used to organize one day tours to places of tourist importance in Kerala, every year. I was an enthusiastic participant and no prizes for guessing who accompanied me. The other participants would join with Appachen in singing his “Boys Scouts songs” with gusto. The songs were in English, Tamil or Malayalam and were made dramatic by his accompanying actions and gestures. I do not recall the lyrics and very often wish we could compile the songs using some lasting medium, to be enjoyed by future generations.

I cannot proceed further without mentioning Ammachi.

Ammachi’s character, in contrast to Appachen’s impulsive and somewhat boisterous one, was of a cautious and critical nature. She had definite opinions about people, behaviour and the world at large, and her interaction with everyone was based on this frame of reference. This was also a constant cause for heated arguments between her and Appachen.

She was also a stickler for orderliness; her clothes were neatly arranged in the chest of drawers, the cooking utensils were spotlessly clean and she enforced a strict timetable on everyone in the household. From bed coffee in the morning until prayers in the evening, all activities followed a strict schedule. I am in many ways grateful for the training I received from her, though I do not claim the same level of perfection even within a reasonable margin.

This respect for Ammachi’s orderliness came at a later stage. In my childhood, I was a rebel, constantly at odds with her, for her strictness. Like many children, I enjoyed a snack between meals, particularly on weekends, which she strictly forbade. Therefore, I would wait till she took her afternoon nap and then sneak up to the shelf where the snacks were stored and noiselessly try to open the shelf door. But much to my dismay, her sharp ears would catch the slightest creak and I would have to give up my plans.

She also decided who my friends should be, and any child not on her approved list was strictly forbidden to enter the premises of our home, much to my chagrin. The only way again to evade her scrutiny was to tiptoe out of the gate while she had her afternoon siesta. But I am very much sure that she was aware of my unpermitted excursions and only her physical inability to come after me must have stopped her from enforcing her rule at those times.

Her strictness was not a sign of lack of love although she was most undemonstrative about her feelings of affection. All her scolding and her anger stemmed from a feeling of protectiveness and deep concern for her loved ones. My childhood was in many ways a lonely one and there were nights when I would toss and turn in bed, unable to sleep. Even though Ammachi slept in the adjacent room, she would sense my restlessness, come over and sit by my side and fan me with her hand fan till I went off to sleep.

A specific occasion when her innate feeling of affection asserted itself was years later when I was returning to my place of work after a very short vacation. She had become bed-ridden, was unable to speak and was unable to move around without assistance. She burst into tears when I bid her farewell. I was totally disconcerted and the sound of her sobs rang in my ears for many days.

A bystander listening to the heated arguments between Appachen and Ammachi might have concluded that they were an ill-matched couple. However, the same bystander would have been surprised by the single-minded devotion with which Appachen took care of Ammachi, when she became bed-ridden. At this stage Appachen was the healthier among the two, though this was strictly relative; Appachen had serious ailments of his own. Though there were nurses to attend to Ammachi, Appachen was always in the vicinity keeping a close eye on her.

Appachen survived Ammachi, but not for long. Her demise must have most certainly created a void in his life. I am sure he must have missed all those debates which had become a part of his daily routine. He was however, not one to stay at home and brood. I later heard that he used to continue his routine visits to the neighbourhood and even had a spell of dizziness while travelling on a bus. With this incident, he had to be compelled to take bed rest, which he must have been very reluctant to do.

I was not around when either Appachen or Ammachi left this world. However, Appachen’s wish for seeing his great-grandson was fulfilled when my wife, Nancy, took Ajit to meet Appachen.

Appachen and Ammachi were not celebrities to the world at large. But, like many celebrities the world knows about, they distinguished themselves by their strength of character and adherence to values. They have a definite group of admirers among their children and grand children. They are in many ways role models to be copied, in a world which gives scant importance to values. It is my privilege to write these few words as a testimony.

Achayan and Ammachy - John C Mathew

Achayan and Ammachy were two of the most important people in my life. I loved them deeply. And I still love them. Ammachy died on 21 October 1995 and Appachen on 24 October 1997. Ammachy was 85 and Achayan was 89.

Though Achayan and Ammachy were very much different in their characters, one thing was common, their deep love for each other. This aspect of their character gave us children the capacity to love and care for others.

Both my parents gave me the freedom to grow as an individual. They were wise enough to give us that quality to face life with an optimism, which I will always cherish in my life. My parents' principled life is what I consider the greatest contribution to my "character forming". Their memory and the many incidents connected to this memory will always give a boost to my life in all aspects. For me, both Achayan and Ammachy were great people.

My image of Achayan was an angry man in my childhood. Moreover as Achayan and Ammachy used to argue a lot on various things and since I was very fond of Ammachy, I thought Achayan was not a very good person. This image of Achayan gradually changed as I grew up. When I started working on my studies, I got to know Achayan the person as I know him in my present memories. I love and respect him as a person.

Though both of them used to argue a lot, they still used to talk to each other with care and love. Evening prayer was a must in our house and it was usually around 9 pm. Before and after the prayer all of us children used to sit together with our parents for quite a long time and listen to their conversation. We never used to contribute to those conversations but used to listen to their talk. We would get up and go to sleep whenever they had an argument in between the conversation.

After my SSLC, I joined college and was in an hostel about 70 kms from home. It was the first time I was away from home for such a long time. Achayan was very regular in writing letters, one letter every week. He was an excellent letter writer, clear and precise with all information. I remember in one of his letters, he wrote that I should study very hard and that I should get into a professional college. He wrote " Both of your elder brothers could not get into medicine or engineering. I can't send you to these courses by paying money. So if you study well and get admission on merit, I will send you to one of these courses." Luckily I got admission in Engineering and he was very happy to send me.

Achayan was a very outgoing person and took much interest in outdoor activities. He was the club secretary for a long time in Munnar. He was very active in the local church activities. He was also very particular in visiting all his relatives’ and friends’ houses regularly. He continued this after his retirement until he was too old to walk. Because of this genuine friendship and concern, he was a very respected man in his locality.

He never smoked or drank alcohol. But he really enjoyed eating. After I joined the merchant navy, whenever I came home, he always asked about the food on the ship. I would joke about this to my brothers and sisters by telling them the way he used to ask. Now also when we get together, we talk about this in a joking way. He loved his food!

I joined the merchant navy after my engineering. Whoever I came home on my holidays, I used to have long conversations with my father. He had a very good memory and would tell me about all our relatives and his early life in Munnar. I used to ask about his college days, about his relatives, his work experiences. He was very happy to talk about all this. He knew all the connections between the relatives very well. He was one of the best in knowing all the connections. I regret that I did not take any notes then because I have forgotten many of the things he told me.

On the whole Achayan was a good and principled man. He was a broad-minded man with love and concern for others.

Childhood memories of Ammachy are more clear and vivid. I was very fond of her though a little scared too. I went to school when I was four and a half years old. The first day in school itself I decided I would not go the next day. So I hid myself the next day. Ammachy didn't say anything and school was discontinued. After a few days a tuition master came to teach me. That too was for one day because the next day I disappeared. I do not remember Ammachy scolding me for all this. But now when I look back I do not remember anything of the next school year when my studies started. Yet she made sure that I would go to school next year at age five and a half.

Ammachy was a quiet, intelligent and realistic person. She knew what her children were doing and she knew how to deal with it much earlier than a normal person. She dedicated her life to her children and she took it as her duty. Ammachy may not have been as broad minded as Achayan but she was far more sacrificing as far as the family was concerned. She was so observant about us children that when I came from college after about three months, after observing me for 2-3 days, she would accurately ask me what was bothering me or what was making me happy.

Till I finished college, I had more love and respect for Ammachy than Appachen. But when I became more mature, I think I could make out their differences in individuality and character and could love and respect them almost equally. Achayan used to say that there should always be love among brothers and sisters. And he proved that in his life. So whenever I get angry with my brothers and sisters, I remember his words and it encourages me. Ammachy was an honest person. When we were young she taught us not to tell lies and that effect is with us till today, I think.

So though I would never say that my Achayan and Ammachy were faultless, I will always keep them in my memory as sweet and guiding in my life.

My cousin Renuchechi - Lisa Mathew

Although this blog started off to record memories of my grandparents, it really is open to inclusion of any family memories. With that in mind and also to show my cousin Renu how easy it is to write something down, this post is about her ;-)

My earliest memory of Renuchechi is not really her but her doll's tea set. She had a tiny doll's tea set complete with tea pot, milk jug and cups and saucers set on a cane tray. It was white with a red and blue pattern on it (can't remember what pattern it was but it could've been roses) I guess someone from abroad may have gifted it to her as that kind of thing certainly wasn't available in India to my knowledge. I utterly loved that set and wanted to play with it everytime I went there. Given that I wasn't a quiet child and could've easily broken it, it is to her eternal credit that she always allowed me to play with it. At that time, they lived in a colony belonging to her dad's (Eddychayan) workplace (Indal - Indian Aluminium) and this first memory is from their old flat where this tea set resided in all it's glory in the dining room sideboard.

My only other memory from that flat is the time she and her sister Eluchechi and all their friends put up a play and of course being the piri-pirippi I am, I had to get involved. At one point, we were setting up the make shift stage on the landing of their building. The plan was to take a sheet and shove it in between two opposite doors and then close the doors thus snapping the stage curtain into place. The only snag was that my right index finger was also smashed right into the hinge between the door and the wall. There were a few seconds of numbness where all feeling ceased to exist and then exquisite torture when the door was hastily opened and the blood came surging back into the squashed finger. I don't remember much more about it but I think we went to the doc and he wrapped it up. Unfortunately the nail bed was damaged and to this day, I have a weird fingernail on that finger that always causes a bit of trouble at the nail salon.

I don't remember much about Eluchechi as a kid except that she had what seemed like TONS of friends and was usually out with them. There were always tales of Lucky and others but I could never tell them apart and so they all blurred into one in my mind.

It was a fun place for us to go to and we went there every year as kids when we were in Kerala for the summer holidays. I looked forward to exploring their latest flat/ house as they often moved around within that area. Each house was essentially the same space but with a different configuration. It was fun figuring it out, although now I don't remember any of the others, except the last one.

Sudhu reminded me of how they never had a powercut in the colony which was quite a miracle in Kerala (and still is, by all accounts) Eddychayan explained that Aluminium had to be molten all the time (or something like that) so that plant ran 24/7 and they all worked shifts and the eclectricity never ran out.

I remember lying on Lillyammachi's latest bedsheet acquisition and being lulled into sleep by the heavy monsoon rains drumming on the asbestos covering of the garage. I think one year when Eddychayan had a Fiat car, it wouldn't start so we had to push it out of the garage before he could drop us to the station but memory plays tricks so I'm not sure if that really happened...

Renuchechi was fab at her studies and I think she has collected an impressive 3 master's degrees. I remember once when we visited, the grown ups were still talking, she tucked us into bed and then went into the back bedroom to study, in this cosy big cane chair and I remember wondering why she was studying when she could be talking to the others. Of all the cousins, she was the one who most loved listening to the family stories and would actively collect everyone and encourage them to talk after dinner while she tucked herself in a corner and listened.

Another memory of Renuchechi's which she probably would like to bury forever ;-) is when she went on a cooking class during a break between degrees and learnt how to bake a pizza from scratch, amonst other things. She then made it again at home for some party, unfortunately I think she put twice the yeast in or something and the pizza crust came up like a bun. Fortunately not many people had even seen a pizza in those days so we just wolfed it down.

Renuchechi got married to Roy and went to live in America. Years later, I ended up in New York close to her in New Jersey so I often stayed with them on weekends and then later went back to see them and everyone else in NY every year, although I haven't done that in the last 2 years now so I must go again before Serena (who is totally into books like the rest of us) forgets what I look like! It's nice to know that she is always there to go to and Roy is always welcoming and full of the Malayali tendency to kaliyakku - just like us.

Eddychayan retired and they moved to their own house in Alwaye. I like going there to see them - Lillyammachi always has something acerbic and witty to say about everything (RenuC has inherited that straight talking) and Eddychayan always has a big hug for everyone. I look forward to Lillamma's pacha moru and aetheka appapam and Lillyammachi's experiments with food - most of which are yum! The garden is usually filled with different plants she has transplanted, exchanged or purloined ;-) there are fruits, coconuts, palm fronds et al drying in the backyard or on the terrace, the cat is slinking around, the neighbours are popping in and exclaiming about how much we've grown, Appa and Lillyammachi are gently gossiping in the background and you know there will soon be yummy food on the table. The sheer assurance that it will be the same, time after time, is breathtaking and now that we don't have Appachen and Ammachi's to go to, Lillyammachi's place has become that memory of perfect old fashioned Kerala for me and I love her for keeping it that way.

A Great Team! - Sudha Mathew

When I look back at holidays spent in Kottayam and remember incidents, I'm not sure if all of them happened in front of me. Did I hear them so many times from Appa that I feel like I was there too?

When I think about trips to see Appachen-Ammachi, especially in the days when Ammachi was up and about, there is immediate recall about waking up in the train to jewel green fields and old ladies with tails. Atleast that's what we called the pleats at the back of the chatta-mundu. All this was such a novelty to the three of us from Bombay. We looked forward to playing games in the train and watching the changing landscapes from the tunnels of the Western Ghats to dry Andhra Pradesh/ Tamil Nadu and finally lush Kerala. Once there, we couldn't wait to play in the river with our cousins from my mom's side, eat a lot of fish and read the many books found in every nook and cranny of the Kanzhikuzhy house.

I remember being scared of Ammachi. She rarely smiled and would get angry if we used too much water to bathe due to the water shortage in summer. Unfortunately her bedroom was right below the bathroom so she knew exactly what was being used. Her bedroom seemed like the lion's den. Till today I have an uneasy feeling when I enter that room...

But there are also memories of Ammachi spending most of her time in the kitchen and all of us sitting down at the dining table to great food. I loved those mealtimes with Appachen at the head of the table and all my uncles talking at once. Nothing fancy was ever seen at my grandmother's table but the food was consistently good Syrian Christian fare.

When she was later bedridden for so many years, I felt sad that Ammachi who was so particular about the way of doing things, had to be in such a helpless state. Though all her nurses were kindly and cheerful, I hoped that I wouldn't have to go through such a fate. She used to be very happy when Appachen sat beside her bed, held her hand and talked about old times. Appa would sometimes make fun saying that Ammachi made eyes at Appachen as they were neighbours before marriage and that's how they got married. Though she couldn't respond to his teasing, you could feel her happiness.

I had gone on a trip from college and was in Coimbatore on the way back when I heard the news of her death from Appa. I burst into loud tears which took me (and Appa and my friends outside the phone booth) by surprise. I'm still not sure why it elicited such a strong response from me.

Both my grandfathers were tall and both grandmothers were short. I still remember wishing that my grandfathers' had more sense and married taller women. Then I would have been taller too but of course I wouldn't have been me ;-)

In complete contrast to my reserve to Ammachi was my relationship to Appachen. Although it was not a close relationship, I was not scared of him at all. He always seemed happy to see us, talked to us and bought us bakery treats for afternoon tea. Such a difference from Appa's stories where Appachen was the stricter parent.

Apppachen seemed to be a very popular person to me because of his steady stream of visitors from four pm onwards. Usually it would be boring, old and male relatives but occasionally it would be a bit more interesting if an old student came and Appachen while trying to place him would start with the student's grandfather's name. Or an old servant relating his tale of woe looking for to wheedle some money out of him.

There was one visitor who I liked - Achanappachen (Ammachi's brother and also the priest at the local church). Though not overtly jolly, he was someone whose smile and manner just made you feel good. Achanappachan and Appachen were also classmates through school and college and used to study together after school at a house opposite Ammachi's family home. Another reason to tease Ammachi!

Other things I recall about Appachen are the huge mound of rice on his plate at mealtimes, the Boys Scouts songs he would sometimes sing - with actions and then the house would almost shake since he was such a big man and the cat Vasu who would sleep on his tummy during Appachen's nap. The cat would go up and down as Appachen's huge tummy also moved up and down with his breathing.

From the stories that I have heard all my life, as parents they must have been a great team, complementing each other's strengths and weaknesses. Appa and his siblings talk about them at all family gatherings with great love and affection and there seems to be no dearth of stories about them. Ammachi was not a very outgoing person, interacting mostly with close relatives whereas Appachen was usually out of the house and knew practically everybody in town. But Ammachi had her pulse on each child's studies and friends and Appachen was the disciplinarian when he was around. This is probably the reason why the family remains close knit till this day and the same values have been passed down to the grandchildren and hopefully beyond.